In the last 24 hours my 7-year old son has done the following: stand in the middle of the lounge, mimic Michael Jackson and moonwalk backwards out the door; use a four-letter word while arguing with his friend; hug me lovingly while whispering in my ear, “I just farted’; play a computer game called Zoo Tycoon with the finesse of a teenager; shoot hoops in the back garden and sulk for an hour because he missed three shots in a row; stroke his baby cousin’s cheek tenderly; lie on the sofa watching television, smearing pizza over the cushions, pretending not to hear us telling him to tidy up and go bath.
Welcome to the rollercoaster ride. One moment your child is sweet and loving and the next a monster awakes. Trying to pin down a reason for the change is the sort of challenge that Sherlock Holmes would not relish. But parents know something Holmes doesn’t. Their child is possessed. Only an exorcism will do. Until the priest arrives, however, a number of sensible measures may be employed as holding actions when your child is being impossible.
- Try distraction – and try it as soon as you see the warning signs of a tantrum or meltdown looming. Point out something very interesting to your child, use cajoling, humour (sparingly though or your over-sensitive and overwrought child might feel humiliated and mocked) and judicious bribery. If the idea of parenting by bribery makes you feel uncomfortable, think of it as a reward or incentive programme, just as the management consultants did at your company recently.
- Offer choices. “Richard, you can either pick up all the dog mess in the garden for the next two years, or you can brush your teeth.” “I’ll brush my teeth,” he smirks victoriously. Children love the power to choose. Of all parenting strategies, this one is the simplest and most effective. Keep choices clear and limited, not “what vegetable do you want with your supper?” but “what would you prefer, peas or carrots with your chicken?”
- Time out. Tell her you love her but she’s going to her room anyway for a time out – a minute for every year of her life, or until she calms down. She may break things or shriek horrendously but she’s staying there until time is up. The main idea of Time Out is not to punish, but to de-escalate, defuse and calm a situation down. Many parents are concerned that sending a child to Time Out in their bedroom won’t work as there are things to do and play with in a child’s room, but that’s the point – distraction. As long as the behaviour that you don’t like has stopped. Time Outs shouldn’t happen in locked bathrooms, dark cellars etc.
- Walk away (emotionally). It is essential that parents stay calm in the face of the enraged child. Do not rise to the challenge of each battle, choose the ones worth fighting and then stand your ground. Stay calm. Shrieking at an already shrieking child is adding fuel to the fire. And never worry about what the neighbours will think about ignoring the prolonged wailing of your child because you’ve reminded him that no-one died from not owning a Ben 10 Omnitrix. Staying calm and walking away when necessary minimises the temptation to lash out at your child. Smacking as a way of disciplining is controversial and potentially problematic. My experience as a parent and psychologist is that smacking is not a particularly useful long-term strategy for managing children’s behaviour. It allows adults the illusion of control and temporary relief from difficult situations, but if used often becomes increasingly destructive. Children learn to hide their true feelings, obeying out of fear not respect. They learn that people who are bigger or stronger have control and that physical expressions of anger are acceptable.