Tag Archives: overprotective parents

Sleepover’s don’t need to be nightmares

Slumber party or night of the living dead?sleepover image

It’s 2.00am and out of the blackness of sleep something materialises in my room. It’s at my elbow, shaking me awake. I grope through the mist, trying to catch up to my racing heart. It’s my son’s 8-year old friend, sleeping over for the first time. He can’t sleep. So neither can I.

The sleepover, or its Americanised girlie version, the slumber party, is one of the modern rituals of childhood. Children and teenagers beg parents to allow them to host or attend sleepovers, with the promise of pillow fights and midnight feasts, the tests of ghost stories and truth or dare.

What can go wrong? Well for starters: imagine a giggling gaggle of hyped-up tweens and teens, transforming into squabbling, sleep-deprived, grumpy monsters ruining the rest of your family weekend.

Other parents have darker imaginations, depending of what they’ve read in the newspaper or which stories they’ve heard that week. Pornography, paedophiles, sex, drugs, alcohol or neglectful parents, take your pick.

Sleepovers are a rite of passage, a plunge into deeper waters. Whether you host one or send your child to someone else’s, you might feel as if your child is not ready. For some parents the shallow end of life is a much safer place to be. I understand this. I understand it completely.

When my son packed his things to stay over at his best friend’s, I smiled encouragingly through the lump in my throat as he left home for his first night out. He dragged a huge bag behind him, walking innocently forward. I trusted the hosting family but not chance, the possibility of some violent intrusion into their home, some horrible, random stroke of fate that I should be there to experience with him.

If you think I’m bad, try my husband. “What if a small rusting bit of a satellite breaks off, falls a few thousand kilometres and hits their house?” he asked, only half-joking.

Unsurprisingly, our son survived. There was no act of God or shift in the earth’s crust. I’d just forgotten about his sleepwalking, of course, a habit he’d recently started and which we had yet to understand properly.  I was probably sleeping fitfully when he fell out of the top bunk of his friend’s top bunk in the middle of the night, crashing onto the carpet, where his friend’s mom found him a few seconds later, sleeping peacefully.

My son was 7 years old at the time, but what is the correct age for sleepovers? There is no right time, of course. Some parents will be in their early twenties, others in their fifties – they just have to deal with it as maturely as possible.

Parents might refuse to allow their child a sleepover at a friend because of safety concerns and the fear of something going wrong, or just because they have different attitudes, values and parenting styles to those of the hosts.

Equally, not all children want to sleep out. Sometimes it’s the parents dying for a child-free Saturday night but their child says no.

Properly planned and supervised sleepovers are a fantastic way for children to consolidate friendships, expand their horizons and learn about how other families live. It helps children practise being flexible and autonomous within safe boundaries. It also helps parents practise letting go.

Some tips:

  • Make sure you know the family where your child will be spending the night. You should also ask what level of parent supervision will be provided and which other children might be sleeping over. And if you feel uncomfortable, you can say no;
  • If you host a sleepover, be vigilant, be responsible, keep them short, and don’t have too many kids over to sleep at one time. Remember Lord of the Flies?;
  • Don’t schedule sleepovers for every weekend or they lose their specialness and also start compromising family time and other activities;
  • Children should never be pressurised into sleeping out if they feel unsafe or uncertain;
  • If they would like to go but are nervous, put a plan in place that allows for you to make contact with your children and the host family, say goodnight and, if necessary, make a plan allowing them to come home if there anxiety gets the better of them;
  • Avoid a pattern of your child asking if he can sleep out, and then always phoning you in the middle of the night to be fetched. If this is happening, then your child is not ready for sleepovers – take a break and try again in a few month’s time; and
  • For anxious parents of younger children, consider something I read about, which is ‘sleep unders’, ‘half-overs’, or ‘late nights’. The children go off in their pyjamas, take junk food, play all the games they want, but at a certain point are fetched and tucked in under their own roof, where their parents can feel safe.

The author Elizabeth Stone wrote: “Making the decision to have a child – it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ” And sleepovers, the precursors to leaving home, allow your heart to brave some tentative baby steps.

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Battery Chicken or Free Range Kid?

He was 22 years old when his mother gave him up to the police.

It was 1988, the last spasm of apartheid, and the military police had arrived at his mother’s flat in Durban to track down the military service dodger. But he was living elsewhere in Durban on the Berea, hoping that his mother would deny all knowledge of his existence, or at least his whereabouts.

Instead, she meekly handed over the information and he was located, formally charged and required to attend a tribunal in Pretoria several weeks later. “I wasn’t really surprised,” he said. “She was essentially a good person but fearful and timid, and I never felt she would protect me. When we first arrived in Durban, she dropped my brother at the gate of his new school and told him to approach the headmaster to sort out everything. That was for grade 1.”

Meanwhile, according to Google the ‘problem’ currently appears to be the other way round. In families, fictional and real, and in 1 600 000 internet hits (compared to 55 000 for the term ‘underprotective parent’), overprotectiveness, sometimes referred to as helicopter parenting, is the hot topic.

Modern society is a culture of information. But sometimes we have so much information about every new disaster, crime and moment of misery that it also means we live in a culture of fear. High levels of parental protectiveness seem necessary given the many dangers reported in our newspapers and community crime-watch emails. We are drowning in bad news.

Life can also seem more pressurised, jobs more scarce, the future more uncertain (let’s pretend it’s not 1914 or 1939 or any year of apartheid), so fiercely protecting your child seems to be a basic requirement of effective parenting.

But overstepping one’s parental role, not allowing children to learn from mistakes or fight some battles on their own, can prevent children from developing resilience and learning to manage difficulties.

Underprotective or indifferent parents are a different sort of animal completely. These parents aren’t creating a safe environment in which to allow their child to learn independence, but throwing them to the wolves. This happens when parents were themselves raised by neglectful or abusive parents, or where community or family structures have broken down.

So how to find balance? A parent should be more guide than bodyguard. When your toddler staggers past a sharp-edged table, walk quietly behind him at the ready rather than call out the danger and whisk him aside. Let your 5-year old daughter grapple with her shoelaces rather than always intervene. Advocate how your 10-year old can deal with her friendship dispute rather than automatically phone the friend’s parents. Allow your teenager to fight smaller battles with authority figures on her own – you don’t want to communicate that you have no trust in her strength of character.

What you want to raise is a free range child, not a battery chicken unfit for the normal rigours of
everyday life. The term ‘free-range kid’ was coined by an American writer, Lenore Skenazy. She says a free range child ‘’gets treated as a smart, young, capable individual, not an invalid who needs constant attention and help. For instance, in the suburbs, many school PTAs have figured out a new way to raise money (God bless ‘em): They auction off the prime drop-off spot right in front of the school — the shortest distance between car and door. But at the mall, or movie theater or dentist’s office, that would be considered the handicapped parking spot — the one you need if you are really disabled.”