Category Archives: Concerns parents have about children

Not just a few worries and quirks: children and OCD

notobsessiveI had always known the 10-year old was an anxious child. Her parents had referred her for therapy as they felt she lacked confidence, was falling behind at school and seemed very secretive. I had spent many sessions with her, building trust and developing a relationship, and we had talked about her worries at school, the conflict between her parents at home.

But it took some months before she finally confessed to me that she thought she was “weird”. Thoughts invaded her mind and she couldn’t ignore them, upsetting thoughts that bad things might happen.

Specifically, she felt she had to check and recheck that she had tightened the tap after she washed her hands, as she couldn’t shake the feeling that she might leave the tap open and cause a flood.  This need to close taps and tighten them, to the point she would hurt her hands, had extended to her glue lid, the cap of her juice bottle – in fact to all items that needed closing.

She was very ashamed of her thoughts and behaviours and was sure she was a “freak”. “I just can’t stop myself,” she whispered. “What if I don’t check the tap and I flood the house?”

It was then that I knew that she wasn’t simply a nervous child, but was suffering from a serious form of anxiety disorder called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

It is estimated that about 1 in 200 children has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and that 80% of adults with OCD have had significant symptoms before the age of 18.

In children and adolescents OCD involves obsessive thoughts about things like:

  • contamination, dirt and germs,
  • illness,
  • putting things in order, arranging things symmetrically,
  • lucky or unlucky numbers,
  • the possibility of hurting others or causing something bad to happen,
  • danger to family or friends, and
  • losing or breaking things.

Children with OCD can’t simply choose not to think these thoughts; they cannot just put the ideas out of their mind and think positively. The thoughts feel intrusive and overwhelming and cause enormous distress to the child.

Children with OCD generally ‘deal with’ these obsessional thoughts, anxiety and preoccupations by carrying out particular repetitive actions. These actions quickly become compulsive rituals, examples of which are checking, hand washing, counting things, performing an action in exactly the same way every time, repeating a behaviour a specific number of times, and collecting and hoarding things.

It’s as if the child believes that the rituals will undo any possible harm and magically reduce anxiety and make things feel right. But in truth these compulsions are enormously time-consuming and increasingly interfere with all aspects of the child’s life.

Experts are not exactly sure what causes OCD, which can run in families. Some theories suggest that it involves serotonin, a chemical in the brain also called a neurotransmitter. When something blocks the flow of serotonin, the brain overreacts and misreads information. Instead of ordinary thoughts being filtered out, the OCD mind lingers on them and sparks off fear or worry like an overactive alarm system.

OCD can be a difficult condition to treat. Early diagnosis is not easy as children are often secretive about their obsessions and compulsions. But if untreated, childhood OCD tends to persist into adulthood and is associated with long-term negative outcomes, so it’s worth being proactive if you start to suspect your child is showing features of the disorder.

Below are some of the positive steps you can take.

Consult an expert

As with most difficult mental health issues, the support and expertise of an expert is often vital. First, this person will help you to distinguish between what is manageable anxiety and what is OCD. Second, even children with the most knowledgeable and accepting parents will often withhold certain worries and acts from them, but talk about them with an expert.

A combination of psychotherapy and medication might be suggested by a professional, but first do some research and inform yourself thoroughly before deciding how to move forward.

Prepare the family

If everyone in the family  understands what OCD is and that the behaviours that come with it are part of the condition, this creates a more understanding home environment. Also try to run a fairly structured home so that compulsive rituals don’t stand out as much and are less exacerbated by chaos.

Talk to your child

This is obvious. Be honest and open about the condition and talk about it with your child, without ever forcing the issue. You are a parent with a family to run and limits to set, not a psychologist. The more difficult work of dealing with OCD might need to be dealt with by an expert.

Deal with school

For the OCD child, stresses at school are usually worse than at home. Adults who teach your child will not be as well informed as you learn to become, and other children are often not tolerant or understanding. Therefore, meet all those who will come into contact with your child and help to educate them.

Managing and treating OCD is a challenge but possible – as the famous 18th century writer, OCD and Tourette’s sufferer Dr Samuel Johnson said, “Great works are performed not by strength, but perseverance.”

OCD hand

For useful links to resources in South Africa and internationally I can recommend the website of the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG) – http://www.sadag.org

Intimate enemies: sibling rivalry

I had a second child,” a mother says, “because I want my son to have company as he grows up.” Which made me think:

  • The first murder victim in history, according to the bible, was Abel, killed by his brother, Cain.
  • A client consulted me because her 7 year old daughter fed her younger brother a potentially fatal overdose of medicine because he was irritating her and she “wanted to make him better”.
  • First-hatched black eagle chicks peck their younger siblings to death, driven by a primitive fuse.

There is an old Arabic saying that goes, “I against my brother; my brother and I against my cousin; I, my brother, and my cousin against the stranger,” that perhaps sums up how primary and instinctive sibling rivalry is. In the competition for emotional and material resources, no greater threat exists than the brother or sister living in your own home.

Of course, life with siblings can also be an enriching experience. For many people, life would not be the same without a sibling with whom they can shoulder life’s burdens or celebrate common experiences. But we should not assume that the sibling relationship is always easy. From the very beginning sibling rivalry rears its head. Toddlers want to protect toys; young school kids, having internalised the concept of fairness, will dispute a sibling receiving perceived preferential treatment; teenagers bent on becoming independent might resent doing household chores that younger brothers and sisters do not have to do.

These age-dependent conflicts could also be exacerbated if one child has special needs that require other siblings to accept less parental attention, or if one of your children has a temperament that intensifies the conflict – a child who is sensitive and needy might not be well matched to a more robust and independent child.

When fights do break out, what should you do? Wherever possible, don’t step in. It’s difficult to adjudicate the truth in these fights, with both parties making an equally impressive case for why they are the victim. Taking sides can also increase dependency on one side and resentment on the other. At the same time, you don’t want to feel like Cinderella’s father, benignly standing by while others burst into cruel laughter, mocking their younger sister.

If the heat of the moment requires you to step in because of possible violence or vicious name-calling, the advice one can give is based on common sense. Start by separating the combatants. If possible, allow a little cooling off time. Make it clear that violence and insults are not acceptable. As far as possible, encourage your kids to resolve the problem themselves. Of course, this doesn’t always work, but in doing this you are laying the foundation for a time when they are able to find a win-win solution.

Over the long haul, family problems like this are better prevented than treated. Somewhere in that busy schedule of work, school lifts, extra lessons and meetings, try to work out a preventative approach.

As disputes arise, talk about the concepts of fairness and equality. You can’t always treat children equally but you must always try to be fair.

  • Work with your kids to write up family rules governing behaviour that is acceptable and unacceptable – eg no name-calling, violence – and how disputes will be sorted out, as well as consequences for such behaviour. Stick this set of rules on the kitchen cupboard. 
  • Make special time for each child according to their interests, so they don’t feel neglected. 
  • Do fun things as a family – this reduces tension and builds bonds.
  • For specific areas of disagreement, such as who gets to watch favourite TV shows, write up a schedule that divides the time equally between siblings.

Most sibling differences are resolved over time as brothers and sisters grow up and become friends and mutual supports.

Except when they don’t.

Situations I deal with in my practice include families where siblings haven’t spoken for 20 years, a grandmother who still struggles to deal with her older sister’s bossiness and constant one-upmanship, and a man in his 30s who still bitterly resents his successful, much loved younger brother.

Perhaps if parents had from the beginning consciously adopted the sort of approach I have mentioned, a lifetime of distress might have been replaced by a valuable sibling friendship.

Calvin_and_Hobbes_1280_Wall_by_LamboMan7

Can I “bully-proof”my child?

I have been invited to go down to PE to talk at a fundraiser – and the topic that I was asked to speak on is bullying. So I went back into my archives and here is one of my very first columns. It is a topic that, sadly, is still important as bullying is such a pervasive and difficult issue. And not only in schools and during childhood. My work with adults and within corporate and workplace settings keeps reminding me that it is a big issue throughout our society. 

“Our child lies in bed every night, crying. He says he’s going to kill himself. Kids at school are calling him names. Some of them push him around. We don’t know what to do about it.” The mother becomes tearful.  The father says, “I just want to go to the school and beat up every one of those bullies.” I look at my distressed clients and see the expectant look in their eyes, the look that says, ‘Give us a solution.’ While there is no single answer, there are, however, strategies we can use to try manage this problem.

Bullying evokes a variety of responses. We might feel powerless and tempted to minimise the situation, or angry and determined to protect our kids by taking action against perpetrators. We might also be concerned not to overprotect our child from a ‘normal’ life situation and believe they should ‘tough it out’.

The first thing to do when you suspect your child is being bullied or if he/she reports being bullied, is to establish the extent and nature of the problem. Is what your child is experiencing part of acceptable social interaction or is it more persistent and  problematic? Some children are more sensitive and may struggle to manage ordinary social interactions, but on the whole children are pretty accurate about assessing the intentions of their peers.

Bullying can be verbal, physical or social in nature and has the intention to hurt, humiliate and isolate individuals. It can include name-calling, shunning and ignoring, threatening, mocking, physical violence, spreading rumours, extorting money and possessions. These days it happens not only at school and social gatherings, but also online and through cell phones. And it is something that both girls and boys do.

Parents often ask me whether there is something specific about their child that makes them the victim of bullying, are some kids are more vulnerable? Bullying can be about anything: your height, or lack of it, your weight, or lack of it, your money, or lack of it, Bullies will zero in on any aspect of their victim’s life. However, those children who are the victim of repeated bullying do tend to have certain characteristics in common.  They tend to have poor coping mechanisms in ordinary situations. Often they have low self-esteem and may be anxious and passive, and struggle to assert themselves. On the other hand they may also respond too impulsively or aggressively to an event, making them a sure target for bullies who thrive on getting a rise out of their victims.

Bear in mind also that the way you respond to finding out that your child is being bullied is influenced by your own experiences. If you were, or still are, a victim of harassment, or a bully yourself, you might find it difficult to act in a calm and appropriate way. Bullying also isn’t just something that happens to children. At all levels of society and in all workplaces people intimidate others or act passively in the face of intimidation. How you typically act in these situations can affect how you respond to your child being bullied.

To help your child who’s being bullied begin by acknowledging and recognising how difficult the situation is for them, praise their bravery in telling you about it. Offer comfort and support, no matter how upset you are, and take seriously their fear that if the bully finds out that they’ve told, the bullying may get worse. This does not mean you should keep the incidents secret and bury them. Be active in approaching the situation and deal with it sooner rather than later. Brainstorm and discuss different coping strategies. Consciously working on open communication between you and your child will help you to help them to be more in charge of the painful situation. As part of this approach you could role play what they could do or say differently.

Your actions should also take into account that bullying is a systemic problem, not only an individual one. You might need to speak to the school, or other adults in positions of authority, and report the incident, but in such a manner as not to disempower your child. All schools should have an anti-bullying policy, and this policy must be made clear to learners and staff at the school.  At the same time it is not only the school’s responsibility to solve the problem. This can only be done effectively if you see yourself as in partnership with the school and your child, allies in enforcing zero-tolerance for bullying.

The problems of praise and positive thinking

WE live in the age of positive thinking, an urgent pursuit of self-improvement and feeling good about ourselves. In this we are guided by the opinions of “experts” and book shops teeming with tomes on self-help, not to mention the Oprah-fixation of the airwaves.

To put all of this in perspective, it’s worth noting two things: most psychopaths and highly aggressive, violent people happen to think very highly of themselves (debunking the theory that people are aggressive to make up for low self-esteem); and many of the world’s greatest thinkers and doers have lived filled with self-doubt and even unhappiness.

Assuming you don’t want to raise a psychopath or a miserable artist, reconsider what society has been telling you about raising your child. We are emerging from an era defined in the West by the striving for perfection and individual success, dominated by a belief in the importance of high self-esteem.

Smile-or-Die-How-Positive-ThWestern culture has long been largely intolerant of pessimism or “negativity”. The American social commentator Barbara Ehrenreich, in her book “Bright-sided: How the Relentless Promotion of
Positive Thinking Has Undermined America” (also called “Smile Or Die”), tells how people didn’t want to hear that she was miserable about having breast cancer; they wanted her to tell them how she was going to defeat cancer with positive thinking. 

I believe self-esteem and positive thinking have become two of the most overused and misunderstood terms today. Parents often tell me that they want to raise their children to be motivated and have good self-esteem. Schools commonly suggest that a pupil’s problem is related to a lack of it. 

One of the strategies parents have been encouraged to use in order to build their kids’

self-esteem and improve motivation is to lavish praise and recognition. Judiciously used, all good things!

incredibles-dash

 

But the problem with this approach, when used excessively and uncritically, is revealed in the animated film The Incredibles. Dash is angry when his mother tells him he is not allowed to win races and that, in any case, everyone is special. Dash retorts: “That’s just another way of saying nobody is.”

 

 

Easy, ubiquitous praise and false reassurances do not build your child’s self-esteem — mainly because you can’t easily build self-esteem from the outside in. In a 2009 study published in the journal Psychological Science by Wood, Perunovic and Lee, it was found that people with low self-esteem actually felt worse about themselves after repeating affirmations of their lovability. The authors say that “repeating positive self-statements may benefit certain people, but backfire for the very people who ‘need’ them the most”. The greater the gap between our fantasised ideal self and our own experience of our authentic self, the greater the likelihood of dissatisfaction, anxiety and even depression.

How and when you offer praise is important:

  • Praise in moderation;
  • Always be sincere and authentic; and
  • Praise a specific effort not an attribute; give “process praise”. In other words, focus on engagement, perseverance, improvement and so on.

The last point is the most important. In a study on motivation by Carol Dweck, it was found that children who were praised for an innate ability, for example being smart, did worse than kids who were praised for something they did, like trying hard, or studying. That’s because you can control or repeat an action, but not who you “are”.

Children who believe that they are successful because of innate ability have what Dweck calls a fixed mind-set. They don’t recover well from setbacks, become preoccupied with image maintenance and are afraid to risk making a mistake.

In contrast, kids who believe that their achievements are related to their efforts and learning have a growth mind-set and are more likely to persevere, persist and study.

Dweck says that focusing on and praising effort gives children a variable they can control. If they make mistakes, they understand that they can expend effort to correct it.

Often, parents resort to excessive, generalised praise when they feel anxious they are not doing enough for their children. However, authentic, robust self-esteem and motivation develop not from overdoses of praise and “positive thinking”, but from feeling loved by, connected to and understood by our parents and carers.

We feel better about ourselves when we experience success in tasks that are important and meaningful to us; when we fail it is easier to cope and try again when we receive realistic and empathic feedback about our efforts from people who care about us.

And yes, that means being praised when we deserve it too. 

Sleepover’s don’t need to be nightmares

Slumber party or night of the living dead?sleepover image

It’s 2.00am and out of the blackness of sleep something materialises in my room. It’s at my elbow, shaking me awake. I grope through the mist, trying to catch up to my racing heart. It’s my son’s 8-year old friend, sleeping over for the first time. He can’t sleep. So neither can I.

The sleepover, or its Americanised girlie version, the slumber party, is one of the modern rituals of childhood. Children and teenagers beg parents to allow them to host or attend sleepovers, with the promise of pillow fights and midnight feasts, the tests of ghost stories and truth or dare.

What can go wrong? Well for starters: imagine a giggling gaggle of hyped-up tweens and teens, transforming into squabbling, sleep-deprived, grumpy monsters ruining the rest of your family weekend.

Other parents have darker imaginations, depending of what they’ve read in the newspaper or which stories they’ve heard that week. Pornography, paedophiles, sex, drugs, alcohol or neglectful parents, take your pick.

Sleepovers are a rite of passage, a plunge into deeper waters. Whether you host one or send your child to someone else’s, you might feel as if your child is not ready. For some parents the shallow end of life is a much safer place to be. I understand this. I understand it completely.

When my son packed his things to stay over at his best friend’s, I smiled encouragingly through the lump in my throat as he left home for his first night out. He dragged a huge bag behind him, walking innocently forward. I trusted the hosting family but not chance, the possibility of some violent intrusion into their home, some horrible, random stroke of fate that I should be there to experience with him.

If you think I’m bad, try my husband. “What if a small rusting bit of a satellite breaks off, falls a few thousand kilometres and hits their house?” he asked, only half-joking.

Unsurprisingly, our son survived. There was no act of God or shift in the earth’s crust. I’d just forgotten about his sleepwalking, of course, a habit he’d recently started and which we had yet to understand properly.  I was probably sleeping fitfully when he fell out of the top bunk of his friend’s top bunk in the middle of the night, crashing onto the carpet, where his friend’s mom found him a few seconds later, sleeping peacefully.

My son was 7 years old at the time, but what is the correct age for sleepovers? There is no right time, of course. Some parents will be in their early twenties, others in their fifties – they just have to deal with it as maturely as possible.

Parents might refuse to allow their child a sleepover at a friend because of safety concerns and the fear of something going wrong, or just because they have different attitudes, values and parenting styles to those of the hosts.

Equally, not all children want to sleep out. Sometimes it’s the parents dying for a child-free Saturday night but their child says no.

Properly planned and supervised sleepovers are a fantastic way for children to consolidate friendships, expand their horizons and learn about how other families live. It helps children practise being flexible and autonomous within safe boundaries. It also helps parents practise letting go.

Some tips:

  • Make sure you know the family where your child will be spending the night. You should also ask what level of parent supervision will be provided and which other children might be sleeping over. And if you feel uncomfortable, you can say no;
  • If you host a sleepover, be vigilant, be responsible, keep them short, and don’t have too many kids over to sleep at one time. Remember Lord of the Flies?;
  • Don’t schedule sleepovers for every weekend or they lose their specialness and also start compromising family time and other activities;
  • Children should never be pressurised into sleeping out if they feel unsafe or uncertain;
  • If they would like to go but are nervous, put a plan in place that allows for you to make contact with your children and the host family, say goodnight and, if necessary, make a plan allowing them to come home if there anxiety gets the better of them;
  • Avoid a pattern of your child asking if he can sleep out, and then always phoning you in the middle of the night to be fetched. If this is happening, then your child is not ready for sleepovers – take a break and try again in a few month’s time; and
  • For anxious parents of younger children, consider something I read about, which is ‘sleep unders’, ‘half-overs’, or ‘late nights’. The children go off in their pyjamas, take junk food, play all the games they want, but at a certain point are fetched and tucked in under their own roof, where their parents can feel safe.

The author Elizabeth Stone wrote: “Making the decision to have a child – it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ” And sleepovers, the precursors to leaving home, allow your heart to brave some tentative baby steps.

What parents can do about bullying: helping girls manage relational aggression

Girls bully too. They may not always mean to, but they do. They may initiate the activity as the “Queen Bees “ of a group, perpetuate the behaviour by acting as “wannabees’’or “sidekicks”, or just let it happen by being passive bystanders. Rather than fists and stones, their weapons of choice are their tongue and their thumbs, with which text messages are sent out to the gang of friends. In an instant, someone is unfriended and a systematic programme of verbal abuse and ostracisation begins.

In a previous column   I wrote about this relational aggression amongst girls. This week I want to make some suggestions about what parents can do about it.

First, look to thine own self. We don’t always think of it but adults are often bullies. If you bully colleagues or friends, ignoring their phone calls, dismissing their ideas publically, leaving them out of social events, your daughter is bound to see this as a model for social interactions. ‘Ah,’ she might think, ‘so that’s how I deal with my insecurities. Strengthen my standing in the group by turning the others against a common enemy.’

Next, have a pre-emptive conversation with your daughter about bullying, preferably around age 10 when it most commonly starts.  Talk to her about what relational aggression looks like, ask if she has seen it around her and talk about strategies she can use if it does happen one day. Teach and model healthy assertiveness.

Make it clear to her and her friends that not only will you not tolerate relational aggression, but you will always be there for them if they need to talk about it in future. This increases the chance that a victim you know will ask for your help before things get too bad, bearing in mind that victims of relational aggression often keep silent.

Advise your daughter not to invest her all at school, in one group of friends or one area of activity. Encourage her to have some friends and interests away from school. School can be a hothouse of insecurities and jealousies, sealed off from other influences. A girl who has friends and activities out of school has a much better chance of keeping her perspective on bullies in school.

One of my clients was a teenage girl who really struggled to integrate with other girls at her new school. Somehow she just couldn’t crack the codes of behaviour and be accepted. “I honestly don’t know what I’m doing wrong,” she would say. She turned out fine in the end not so much because of anything I did or said (although counselling is another important remedy) but because she was highly involved in the equestrian world, where she had other friends, from other schools and earned commendations for her achievements.

For the same reason (having other areas of emotional investment) a girl excelling at a particular academic or extra-mural activity in school might suffer less when she is harassed by her social group.

Then there’s writing. Jassy Mackenzie, a Johannesburg crime novelist, says that writing her first novel helped her to come to terms with a brush with crime. In the same way, journaling or keeping a private diary helps many girls to clarify their feelings, record incidents and have a safe place just to be. Encourage your daughter to write about all her feelings, and to include writing about positive experiences and emotions too.

Also, listen to your daughter and don’t minimise her feelings. I am reminded of Alice Sebold’s autobiographical account, called ‘Lucky’, about her rape at Syracuse University. When she reports the crime to the police the first thing they tell her is that she is lucky because another girl was raped and murdered in the same spot. Minimising feelings in this way is a failure to understand an individual’s particular experience, added to the fact that adolescence has a unique character and intensity that adults can rarely fully remember and understand.

Of course, remember that any story you hear you will only be part of the story. While you listen, keep an open mind and don’t jump to any hasty conclusions.

But it is always important to take action.

Encourage your daughter to report bullying and harrassment, with your active support if necessary. Often people are afraid that reporting and intervening will make the problem worse. But it is very important that you bring these issues to the attention of school management.  Schools need to take relational aggression as seriously as physical aggression. All schools should have comprehensive anti-bullying policies and positive social behaviour programmes in place.

For while sticks and stones may break girls bones, words (and malicious rumours and cyber harassment and social ostracization) can break their spirits and their hearts.drawing-bullying4

Sugar and Spice and Being Horrid

Sugar and spice and all things nice, that’s what little girls are made of. Except, it seems, when they’re cracking bottles over each other’s heads, calling each other fat cows, spreading offensive, defamatory rumours or disinviting each other from parties, Facebook and Blackberry Messenger.

I’m sure many parents were distressed by recent reports of the 15-year old schoolgirl at Krugersdorp High School in Johannesburg who attacked a fellow pupil with a glass bottle. This incident seemed to be at the tail end of a string of bullying and harassing incidents that had passed between these particular girls.

We should be distressed but not surprised. 

Many teachers, parents and psychologists have become increasingly aware over the last couple of years of an apparent rise in female bullying. This is sometimes called ‘relational aggression’ as physical assault usually plays only a small part in the pattern of behaviour.

Relational aggression includes spreading rumours, verbally insulting, exclusion from friendship groups and hostile and dismissive body language. It is different from the normal conflicts that occasionally flare up between girls, in that the aggression is persistent and relentless, usually targeting on one or two individuals. It can happen anywhere and in any age group, but it is most commonly played out in school settings and is most intense in the middle school, between grades 6 to 10.  

As I said earlier, I believe girl-on-girl bullying has become more common, partly as a result of the availability of more instant forms of communication. A study of young people, conducted in South Africa in 2009 by the Centre for Justice and Crime Prevention, found that about 25% of them had been bullied by means of text messages, and that almost 70% of text messaging bullies had been bullied themselves through sms. 

Why is this verbal bullying more common amongst girls? Partly it’s because girls generally invest more in friendships than boys do, and so the stakes are much higher, the hurt greater, when conflicts arise. Words are the instrument of affection but also the weapon of choice.

Any girl can be a victim or aggressor, and many issues can incite incidents. But one common thread that runs through these fights is the social isolation of a victim so that the status of the in-group is enhanced. Ring-leaders of the in-groups might resent competition from the victim or want more attention for themselves, and it’s not uncommon for those leaders to have an unstable self-esteem, one that is easily threatened by new voices and competing influences.

The chief bully in the group is often a seemingly popular and charming girl whom parents and teachers like and give lots of attention to. In other words, not the sort of person who would automatically be suspected of such behaviour. queen bee and enabler

The American parenting educator, Rosalind Wiseman, describes these girls as “queen bees”. She points out that other girls often hover around queen bees out of fear of being excluded from their approval, and that the queen bee (or mean girl or ruler of the clique) is often not well liked by her peers, but that she makes them afraid.

Complicating matters for all parties – parents, targets and teachers – is that the very nature of relational aggression makes it more difficult to detect and take seriously.

If a girl comes to you and says that her friends have started turning away from her when she approaches, rolling their eyes at her when she speaks, or telling others that she is fat, you might not understand that this is part of a relentless campaign that happens behind your back. Victims often fail to report what has happened and can suffer for a long time without being helped. 

Johannesburg psychologist Lesley Rosenthal adds that “Part of the problem is that girls are socialised to be good and nice and compliant and people pleasers and therefore project a false self to the world. Social competition and aggression are denied and frowned upon as unfeminine. So the behaviour gets expressed covertly, through the bitchy meanness manifest in relational aggression.”

So much for sugar and spice and the world of nursery rhymes. It’s much more the little girl, who had a little curl, “right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very good indeed, but when she was bad she was horrid.”