If you’re a parent I have some bad news for you: Success for your child is not inevitable. In fact, he’s going to be a loser. He’ll be trampled over on the soccer field by bigger, faster boys, and some smart girl at school will consign him to ‘first loser’s position’ in Maths.
Of course, I’m mimicking the language of a particular approach to life and parenting that believes we are all destined for success. With the right amount of positive thinking and avoidance of negative thoughts, our children can achieve greatness. This philosophy reached its absurd climax in Rhonda Byrne’s book, The Secret, which appears to advise people to turn their gaze away from people who have failed.
In this approach, ‘success’ for children is defined as winning awards, making the A team, being perky and positive at all times, and one day making lots and lots of money. Failure to achieve some of these goals in childhood, which is inevitable for most kids, is experienced by parents as a blow to their ego.
Which begs the question, when children ‘fail’ whose disappointment is it really, yours or theirs? Parents who live vicariously through their children are attempting to make up for their own experiences of failure through their children’s success. The child becomes a narcissistic extension of the parent, placing huge pressure on the child to perform. This view of success requires not just that your child triumphs, but that others must fail.
It’s human to admit that when your child is outperformed by other children, it stings a little. You want your child to be the one scoring goals for the team or being chosen for Science Olympiad, and you experience an uncomfortable moment when you discover your best friend’s child has been chosen for extension work and yours hasn’t.
Don’t pretend to yourself you don’t have these feelings, as some writers of self help motivational texts might advise. There comes a powerful and calming release from accepting that you are as susceptible to the same 7 deadly parental sins as anyone else, especially pride and envy.
Put your child’s ‘failure’ in perspective. He’s on a long journey in which the prize of success, as defined in a constructive way, goes to the one who endures, not the one who wins the first sprint. Children develop in spurts at different times. Some surge ahead now while others surpass them later. Some kids thrive at school while others find their niche only after that. Some children never lead the pack in measurable ways but succeed in being their best self.
Part of keeping things in perspective is revisiting your definition of success. Children are aware of the material ways society defines success, so it’s your job to stand tall for them. Remind them that a successful child is one who overcomes fear, takes necessary risks and keeps trying. A timid child’s belated victory over the high slide in the playground is a victory to be acknowledged, not an embarrassment because his peers are already riding bikes. A girl who trips in 60m dash, keeps running and comes last, is a person whose courage should be celebrated.
It’s these moments that define you as a parent and lay a solid foundation for your child’s success. Steps to consider when your child stumbles:
- Read your child’s emotions because some situations don’t need the topic of disappointment to be raised, as some events don’t need to be rehashed;
- If you do say something, reassure your child how much respect you have that he tried his best;
- Then redirect him towards the memory of past successes or things he is good at;
- Finally, don’t blame others or promise to change what has happened (eg, phone his school to demand that he be given the Best Footballer trophy that was rightly his).
It’s a mistake to treat your child’s failure as contaminating and as a threat to your ego and your family’s legacy of success. If you do that, you run the serious risk or raising children who become fearful and overly-dependent, selfish, or very materialistic.
Bill Gates is said to have quipped that, ‘Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces people into thinking they can’t lose.’Our children do lose. If we, as parents, understand the inevitability of these necessary defeats, then we are helping our children to become the best versions of them selves over time.